I was fretting about what to wear to the ball this year, until eBay, like a kindly yet weirdly suspicious fairy godmother clad in a never-washed genuine Art Nouveau polyester leisure suit previously owned by a hirsute chain-smoker, offered up a solution to my problem. But now I’m worried because they say I can’t go to eBay until I make the fire, fix a breakfast, wash the dishes, do the mopping and the sweeping and the dusting, and what if someone else gets it before I’m through with all that work? I can only hope some industrious little birds and mice will show up to help me finish everything in time.
You don’t seem to understand why I need this. They took away my other fancy pin and said I can’t wear it out of the house anymore.